The Two Deadly Sins of Phil: The Second Sin

The second thing that the cabinet shop owner Mark was mad at Phil for was an incident involving Mark's son, whose name I think was Derek. Derek was a source of conflict for the guys because Mark loved to lavish him with dirt bikes, a new truck, and other luxury items for a kid who was still in high school. So every time we had to work on Saturday morning, which always sucked, Phil or Mike would wait until Mark went in the house and would say, "We just made another payment on Derek's truck."

Mike told us there was one time when Mark said, "Hey, Mike. I want to show you something." So they rode in Mark's golf cart out to where Derek was riding his dirt bike and jumping off of ramps. That sat watching in silence for some time. Then Mark turned to Mike and said, "Isn't that awesome?" When Mike told us this story, I said, "Why does Mark need a golf cart?" Without hesitation Phil said, "He likes to ride around, eat peanuts, and jack off."

One Friday long ago, Phil and Mike spent the afternoon cleaning the shop. Messes in the shop were another point of contention. Mark, being a slob, never cared and never wanted to spend the time to clean up. Mike and Phil, however, got pissed every time they tripped over something, couldn't find something, etc. They left Friday feeling like they would return to a nice, clean shop to start work on Monday. That weekend, Derek, who was probably 15 or 16 at the time, decided to make Mark a birthday present. When Mike walked in the shop Monday morning, it was a disaster. Scraps lying about, tools laying on work tables throughout the shop, and piles of sawdust at each station. On the work table by the door was a stool with a sign on it that said, "Happy birthday, Dad."

Mike usually got to the shop first because he couldn't sleep past 5 am. So he would get up, drink coffee, read the newspaper, and just wait until it was time to go to work. Phil would get there next. And when Phil walked in the door that day, Mike just watched and waited for his reaction. Phil looked around the shop, his bald head getting redder and redder, and then his eyes fixed on the stool. In a rage, Phil grabbed the stool and smashed it into pieces. Then he threw the pieces into the fire in the coal stove that heated the shop.

Mark usually waited until ten or fifteen minutes after we were supposed to start working. Then he would roll out of bed, throw on a flannel shirt, and wander over to the shop rubbing his eyes. That day when he walked in, Mike was strangely silent. And Phil was standing by the coal stove, rubbing his hands together, and warming himself. Mark said, "I heard my son left me something."

Mike looked at Phil. Phil looked at Mike. Then Phil said quite matter-of-factly, "Yeah, it's keeping me warm right now." Mark looked puzzled, and it slowly dawned on him what Phil meant. Mike turned and walked out the door of the shop. He said they exploded into yelling and screaming for several minutes.

And so on it went, working at the cabinet shop. Long periods of tension that would occasionally break out into open conflict. A final note, when they told me this story, I was initially a bit shocked. They laughed heartily, and I thought it sounded very cruel. But the longer I knew Mark, the funnier it got.